The Diary of Jane
by MandyLeigh87
Summary: Sometimes I wondered if they really knew what they were. Like if they could see themselves through my eyes, maybe it would be a little clearer. Maybe they would know. Maybe they would change. My name is Jane. And this is my diary. M for Mature Themes
1. Chapter 1

William Shakespeare said that all the world was a stage and all the men merely players. Sometimes I felt like he was talking about my high school. Every one played their part. Had their place. The jock. The Queen Bee. The loser. The rebel. The artist. The fat girl. And then there was me, in the middle of it all. Like their audience, watching them with fascination and disgust as they played their games. Sometimes I wondered if they realized, if they really knew what they were. Beautiful. Misunderstood. Damaged. Loved. Feared. Perfect. Like if they could see themselves through my eyes, maybe it would be a little clearer. Maybe they would know. Maybe they would change.

My name is Jane. And this is my diary.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I needed to write this because I think it's important. It will deal with some difficult subjects so please use reader discretion by continuing on. It's really different from what I've written before, especially with it being through Jane's POV. I hope you'll give it a chance.**

**Although I have posted it on FF to make it accessible to everyone, it is meant to be read on the blog I have created for it almost like it's actual diary entries. I'd love for you to read it on there, and either comment there or use FF for reviewing, but I'll be happy just to have you reading it wherever that may be.**

**This is a very short piece and will be less than 10 diary entries. **

**Follow me on Twitter: MandyLeigh010**

**Find me on Facebook: MandyLeigh Fanfic**

**Find this story on its blog http : / / thediaryofjaneff . blogspot . com Take out the spaces  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Diary,_

_I was witness to another Alice and Emmett fight last week. I think they fight and break up for something to do. Emmett seems totally oblivious to who Alice really is. What Alice really is. All he cares about is his damn football scholarship that he can't see what's in front of him…_

"Let's just say the field wasn't the only place I scored Friday night," Emmett said, slinging his varsity jacket over his shoulder. He slammed his locker shut and high fived his buddies. He glanced at the girl passing by, keeping her eyes on the floor, trying to be invisible.

"Keep moving, fat ass." He snickered. I winced at his words as I watched from a few lockers down. I lightly pushed my locker shut and leaned back against it, clutching my books to my chest.

The girl wiped a tear from her cheek and stumbled around the corner, desperate to get away from the hyenas.

I pursed my lips, feeling the hard metal of my lip ring against my teeth. I pushed off from my locker and started to class. I glanced Emmett's way as I passed, wondering how he could be so cruel to someone, to everyone. Like he was king of this place just because he could throw a football and had a pretty smile. He didn't deserve everyone's love, if that's what he felt it was. It was the complete opposite. People feared him. They hated him.

"What are you looking at freak?" He snapped, stepping in front of me to block my way.

I took a deep breath and glanced up at his towering figure, sizing him up. "Nothing special."

His eyes flared with anger as he pushed me up against the locker. "What'd you say, bitch?"

"I said. Nothing special," I said again, wincing at the sharp pain from his padlock poking into my lower back.

"Watch yourself, little girl."

"Same to you." I ducked out from his trap and kept moving down the hallway.

"Dyke!" He screamed. I sighed, knowing I'd probably find that keyed into my car later after the pep rally today.

I avoided Emmett for the rest of the day until the pep rally during last hour. We were herded into the small, shitty gym our school boasted about to cheer about a team that had barely won two games.

I glanced through the cheerleaders, smiling when I spotted one of my best friends Bella in her uniform. I felt someone sit down beside me and nudge me with their elbow.

"How's our girl doing?" Edward asked, nodding to Bella.

I rolled my eyes. "She's only stumbled over her feet and forgot the routine twice."

"Really?" He shrugged off his jacket and rubbed at his paint stained hands. "That good?" He smirked and turned his eyes to the gym floor.

I smiled and looked at the row of football players standing in the middle of the gym floor. Everyone was smiling and waving, putting on their show for their adoring fans…except for Emmett. His arms were crossed over his shoulders as he glared at something on the other side of the bleachers. My brow furrowed as I followed his eyes, straining my neck just to see what he was looking at.

I saw Alice talking to someone that I couldn't quite see. She wiped at her eyes as a soft, genuine smile spread across her face. Whoever she was talking to reached out and brushed his hand over her cheek.

The crowd gasped as Emmett barreled from his spot on the floor, sprinting towards Alice and her companion. Everyone stood up, blocking my view. I heard Alice scream in the silence that followed. A body flew onto the ground, out in front of the crowd. Emmett appeared a moment after, jumping on top of him and throwing his fists.

The school administrators on the other side of the gym started running towards the fight to break it up, but it was too late.

Emmett's victim pushed against him, throwing him back towards the table the student council had set up for some ridiculous game. Emmett crashed into the table, knocking it over with him as he fell to the ground. He landed on top of it, his body arching in the strangest way before going completely limp as he slumped to the floor.

Alice rushed over to the other man and as he stood up and wiped at his lip, I noticed it was the new kid. Jasper. He'd come here about two months ago, riding in with a leather jacket and motorcycle. I'd always remember the first day he arrived because he ended up pissing off half of the school population. He parked his bike sideways, taking up one whole spot and enough of two others that it was impossible to park there. He sauntered behind the school cafeteria, pulling a cigarette from his ear as he went, and ended up walking into first hour over a half hour late.

Nobody really talked to him. All the popular kids hated him. Except for Alice apparently. I definitely didn't see that one coming.

"My office, young man!" The principal yelled to Jasper. Alice looked on in fear as the teachers and coaches surrounded Emmett, who was still lying motionless on the floor. Jasper spit a mouthful of blood on the floor and walked out of the gym. I'd be willing to bet he would walk right past the office to the parking lot.

"Must have got the wind knocked out of him," Edward mumbled. He glanced at Bella, who was huddled with the other cheerleaders. Well, they were huddled. She was sticking out of their circle like a sore thumb.

As the minutes ticked by, I started to get the feeling that it was more serious than losing his breath for a few moments. The football coach stood up, ran his fingers through his hair and reached into his back pocket for his cell phone.

The principal grabbed a microphone and started to speak. "Students, I'll need you to please exit the gymnasium in an orderly fashion. School will be dismissed early today. Please grab your things and leave the property immediately. All after school activities such as sports practice have been cancelled." He stared at us until someone started moving.

I gathered up my things and Edward and I started to descend the bleachers. Bella caught up with us in the crowd, grabbing hold of Edward's shirt as we walked.

"What do you think is wrong with him?" She asked Edward.

"I don't know, B."

Bella looked scared. I didn't think she was particularly fond of Emmett, but she was one of those people who hated seeing others in pain or distress. It showed all over her face, sometimes made her physically sick.

Edward put a protective arm around her and led us to the hallway and towards the parking lot.

"You need a ride, Jay?" Edward asked, opening the door for Bella. You would think they were together, the perfect high school sweethearts. They weren't. It was completely obvious to everyone else. Or I guess me.

"Yeah, sure." I threw my bag into his car as the ambulance rolled into the parking lot, siren wailing. It parked at the entrance to the school and three paramedics rushed inside with a body board.

I sighed and slipped into the back seat before Edward pulled out of the parking lot.

We didn't find out what had really happened until the news later that night. My breath caught in my throat the moment I saw the headline. _Local football player paralyzed during Pep Rally. _

"That's awful," my mother said, poking around at her microwave dinner as a picture of Emmett popped up. "Do you know him?"

I shook my head. "Not really."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading. **


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Diary,_

_Mr. Berty sent me to detention again for not paying attention in class today. I can't help it if his lectures make me want to stab myself with my pencil…_

"Along you go," he said, holding out the blue detention slip. "I hope you take this time to reflect on your behavior, Jane."

"Reflect my ass," I mumbled, grabbing the slip and heading towards the door.

I heard the class laugh as I stumbled out into the hallway and headed towards detention.

I signed in and plopped down into a seat towards the back. Mrs. Cope was too engulfed in her latest romance novel at the front desk to even notice.

The only other seat in the room was taken by Jasper, still nursing a busted lip from his fight with Emmett.

"What are you in for?" I asked.

He glanced my way and leaned back in his seat. "Unruly behavior at the pep rally…until they can find a legitimate reason to expel me."

"Emmett attacked you and you're in trouble for defending yourself?"

"He's their golden boy. He could take a shit on their front lawn and they'd tell him thanks for the fertilizer."

"What were you doing with Alice anyway?"

"None of your fucking business," he snapped. He turned his attention to his desk and I could tell he was avoiding the question. Not because it wasn't my business, but because it wasn't bullshit to him. Rebel without a cause finally found one wrapped in a preppy sweater and knee high socks.

"You love her," I said.

His eyes barely flickered my way as he scratched something into the desk.

"Shhh…" Mrs. Cope snipped. I sat back in my desk and watched the clock until the bell rang. Jasper quickly slid out of his seat and was out of the room in an instant.

I grabbed my lunch out of my locker and headed to the cafeteria.

For the next week, I found myself in detention for my "colorful comment" as Mr. Berty worded it. Jasper was always there. Always in the same spot. Always carving something into his desk and avoiding me like the plague.

I started sitting a few seats behind him so I could really see him. Before sharing detention with him, I'd barely caught a few glimpses of him since he'd been here. Once you really got a look at him, he seemed a lot softer…gentler than how everyone else saw him. He had dimples, just like Emmett did. His eyes were the deepest blue I'd ever seen…kind. Not hard or sharp.

The bell rang to release us for lunch on Friday and I stood from my seat to collect my things again. As I passed his desk, I finally saw what he had been working on this whole time. Her name. Just her name written in perfect script. Mary Alice Brandon. I choked back my surprise. He must have been the only other person in this school besides me who knew her real name. The only reason I knew was because our moms were best friends. Alice tore the head off of my Barbie when we were ten and swore me to secrecy.

I made my way to the cafeteria and searched the room for Bella and Edward before remembering they had some type of field trip for Biology today.

Just as I was about to sit down, I saw Alice and Jasper slip out the side door of the building and out into the pouring rain.

I bit on my lip ring and stuffed my sandwich back into my bag as I started to follow them.

I shivered as the cold rain hit my body and saw Alice's skirt flitter around a corner. I crept along the building and peeked around, trying to see through the thick mist of rain.

I blushed when I saw them, their lips touching, caressing one another as he held her up against the brick.

I held my breath and concealed myself around the corner.

"What if they kick you out, Jazz?" She asked.

"They won't."

"You know they will," she cried. "I can't be here without you, don't you understand?"

"You won't ever have to be without me. I'm not going anywhere, Ali," Jasper said.

"Promise me," she stuttered. "Promise me, you won't leave."

"I promise."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading and I appreciate your reviews. I hope you are at least checking out the blog (There's character photos). Again the web address (just take out the spaces) http : / / thediaryofjaneff . blogspot . com**


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Diary,_

_ Jasper wasn't in school today. His bike was noticeably absent from the parking lot and I saw a lot of the jocks were in high spirits. Everyone said that they expelled him, forced him out because he was different. He wasn't one of us. Deep down, I think he was more human than they ever would be…_

"Has anyone seen Alice?" One of the cheerleaders said as I passed them in the hallway.

"Nope," the other smiled and I knew the next thing to come out of her mouth was bound to be the latest gossip. "Rumor has it, she hasn't even visited Emmett in the hospital."

"What a bitch," the other said. "If he takes her back after what she did to him I'll just…die." She pulled her hair back and glared in my direction. "I mean she practically cheated on him with a criminal."

I sighed and turned towards them. "That's a low blow coming from someone like you Jess," I said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She said.

"I live across the street from you. Did you think I didn't know you were fucking him behind her back?" I shrugged. "And you dare call yourself her friend."

She opened her mouth to speak, but I turned and walked away before I could hear a single word. Alice and I hadn't been friends since we shared our toys in the sandbox, but she didn't deserve that. Nobody did.

I stumbled down the stairs to the basement level and into the girls' bathroom that no one used, hoping to get away. I went into the first stall and slammed it shut.

I sat down on the toilet seat and ran my fingers through my hair, gazing down at the floor. The white tiles were dirty and grimy from the lack of cleaning. A speck of color caught my eye, coming from the next stall over.

I slowly sat up, my eyes unable to look away from the trickle of blood making its way towards the drain. My heart was beating furiously against my chest as I tried to find my voice.

"Hello?" I stammered. I got up and stood in front of the closed stall door beside mine. "Is anyone in there?" I knocked and listened.

A small sniffle came from the stall and I tried to push it open. It was locked.

"Are you okay?" I asked. No response.

I dropped my bag and went back into my stall to stand up on the toilet. I gripped onto the stall wall and pulled myself up enough to see.

"Oh God," I mumbled. I pulled myself up and over the wall as Alice raised the razor blade to her leg again. Blood was pouring out of a large gash on her calf.

"Alice," I said. I reached for the razor blade and took it from her weak fingers. I threw it under the door and heard it clink against the bottom of the trashcan. She was pale, losing a lot more blood than she should. She hadn't just cut herself once, it looked like she'd ran the blade over the same spot over and over again until it gauged out her skin.

"He's gone," she mumbled. "I wanna feel…" Her eyes started to flutter shut as I knelt down beside her. My knees felt hot and wet as they landed in the pool of blood.

My hands shook as I pulled off my shirt and wrapped it tightly around her wound. As I held it tight, I saw them.

Her typical knee high socks were pulled down her to ankles, revealing cuts all over her lower legs. Some lines of white, raised scars. Some new and some scabbed over. Some short, some long. All hidden until now.

Keeping one hand on her wound, I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my cell phone to dial 911.

They were there in minutes, pulling me away and loading her onto a stretcher. I followed her out, holding her hand as everyone watched us. I knew why. We didn't belong together. They expected this out of me more than her. I was the punk. The emo one. This wasn't supposed to happen to the Homecoming Queen. Her life was perfect. She was happy. This shattered their little world they'd created inside these halls.

"It'll be okay, Alice," I whispered, squeezing her hand.

She wasn't happy.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Special thank you to my prereaders for this, Suzie55, ImHereToReview and RoyalTwiGal. **


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Diary,_

_ I visited Alice again today. She starts her therapy tomorrow so I won't be able to visit as much after that. Jasper's been there almost 24 hours a day, or as much as they'll let him be there. I'm a little jealous of them. Even in this darkness surrounding them, they seem to maintain a beauty in everything they do for each other. I'd like to think more people are capable of that beauty…_

"I know you can do this, Ali," I said, hovering by the door. Our relationship had changed since I found her in that bathroom stall. We still kept our distance, but we had an understanding. I was here for her. And she appreciated it.

"Thank you, Jane." She offered me a small smile and squeezed Jasper's hand. "I'll call you when I can."

I waved and started down the hallway of the hospital. I passed by the hallway for long term patients and I noticed Rosalie Hale, the girl Emmett teased the day of the pep rally, standing down the hall way in a candy stripers outfit that was two-sizes too small for her.

She was frozen outside of a certain room, mumbling to herself as she looked down at her cart.

I found myself wandering towards her, something pulling me that way. Just before I reached her, she took a deep breath and went into the room.

I slowly stopped in the doorway and peeked at the name on the door. Emmett McCarty.

Rose was stopped at the foot of Emmett's bed. He was staring out the window, his eyes completely void of life.

"How are you feeling today?" She mumbled, shuffling things around on her cart.

"Is this how it feels?" Emmett asked, never taking his eyes off of the window.

"How what feels?" Rose asked.

"To be invisible." He finally turned his gaze to her. I saw her hands tremble for the slightest moment before they steadied.

"What do you mean?"

"They only liked me because I played football. And then because I was the town tragedy. Now I'm the only left with the aftermath." He looked down at his legs that would never move again. "And these…fucking…" He trailed off and let his head fall back onto the pillow. "I'm nothing."

Rose sat down in the chair beside him and played with the hem of her apron. "You're not nothing, Emmett. And if that's really how your friends are treating you then they were never your friends in the first place and you're better off without them."

They were silent for a while. Rose just sat with him to keep him company. I guessed that was the most she could do right now for him. She was a sheep in the wolf's lair. Except now the wolf wasn't so scary.

"I wasn't always fat you know," she said. "I used to be skinny…pretty. Like Alice." She shook her hair out. "The summer after my father died, I completely lost it. I gained so much weight that my friends didn't even recognize me. They didn't want to recognize me."

"Rosalie!" One of the nurses' called. "Mr. Johnson is requesting you."

"Be right there." She bit her lip and stood up. "Sometimes the world deals us a bad hand…We don't always have control over the cards, Emmett. It's all about how you play it." She leaned over his bed. "So are you going to sit here and take it or are you going to fight for what you want and be the person I know you're supposed to be? Because that's what I'm doing every damn day of my life. So get up and fight. Maybe by the time you're walking again, I'll be a little bit healthier."

His eyes glistened as he quickly tried to wipe away a tear.

Rose started to back up and grabbed her cart. "And by the way…I forgive you."

"I didn't even say I was sorry."

"You didn't have to." She started towards the door and I found myself in awe of this girl I'd never even officially met. I was convinced I'd never see anything or anyone as beautiful as she was in that moment.

"Hey Rosie," Emmett called. She turned back as he smiled, showing his irresistible dimples. "Will you come visit me again sometime?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is my favorite entry. So endearing and humbling. **


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Diary,_

_ Everything at school seems to be back to normal, or enough normal to appease the masses. I can't keep my mind off of everything. Alice. Jasper. Emmett. Rosalie. I find myself wondering how we can all be so alike, yet see ourselves so differently. We're all a little damaged, a little feared, a little misunderstood, a little beautiful. And sometimes it just meshes together like the strokes of paint on a blank canvas…_

"How's Alice doing" Edward asked, dipping his paint brush in dark brown, the color he used more than anything else.

"Jasper called me last night and said she was making progress. It's a long road to take, recovering from pain that's that deep and such a part of who you are. She's got a long way to go."

"Well I'm glad to hear she's doing alright." He stepped back and wiped at his forehead, streaking it with brown paint. "I know Bella was worried about her."

Bella. Everything always revolved around Bella. We could be talking about a fucking ham sandwich and it would somehow morph into something about Bella's uncle who has a farm in Kentucky. Always Bella.

"What are you painting?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"It's not finished yet," he said, making sure the canvas was turned well enough away from me. That was always his excuse for not letting us see his paintings. I knew differently. I knew why the browns and soft pinks were always the first paints he ran out of. Why he wouldn't even let Bella near his studio. They were all of her. Her brown eyes. Her chocolate brown hair. The soft blush of her cheeks.

"You know if I didn't know you I'd find this obsession with her a little creepy," I said, kicking my feet against the cabinets below the counter I was perched on.

"With who?" He asked, focusing on his painting.

"Where's Bella at tonight?" I asked.

"Her mom's in town so they're at the café having dinner."

"Exactly." I nodded my head, feeling like I'd proved my point. "You have to tell her, Edward."

"Tell her what?"

I'd always played along in their little game. The one where they were madly in love, but refused to act on it in fear or rejection or imperfection or whatever other bullshit was going on inside their heads. But it was starting to get a little old, especially after seeing what Alice and Jasper are going through now. Edward and Bella could be perfectly happy. Neither of them were perfect. They both obviously had trouble speaking their mind when it came to matters of their hearts. They were afraid. Terrified to get hurt. Terrified to lose each other. Because that's what it comes down to in the end. They adore each other so completely that the thought of screwing that up by actually loving one another is too much to take.

"Cut the crap, Edward." I jumped off the counter and stalked towards him. His eyes got big as I rounded the canvas and saw what I knew I would. Bella's face. It was an expression only he would know to capture. One that may have seemed insignificant to anyone else but him.

"See?" I pointed to the painting. "It's perfect. You should show it to her. Find your balls again, young man and go forth." I smiled.

Edward pulled at the waistband of his pants and peeked inside. "I'm pretty sure my balls are secure."

"Then what the hell are you waiting for?"

"The perfect moment," he mumbled.

Someone pulled up outside and parked their car. I could hear her music blasting from the speakers, just like it always did. She never got out, knowing that he liked his privacy with his paintings.

"I think your perfect moment just pulled up." I opened the door to his studio beside his driveway and waved to Bella as I got into my car. Edward walked out, wiping his hands on his towel. I watched as Bella rolled down her window and smiled as soon as she saw him.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," Edward said, leaning down to her window.

"You wanna go grab some ice cream or something?"

He shook his head. "No. I want to show you something."


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Diary,_

_ Mom is forcing me to road trip with her to some cabin on the lake for the weekend. I have a feeling we're about to have "the talk." You know the one your mother is supposed to have with you when you start your period. When a man and woman love each other very much…_

"Janey, remember what I said about cell phones on this trip…" She said, eyeing me from the driver's seat.

"Sorry, Mom. Alice got to text me today." I tucked my phone into my bag and turned up the radio.

"I'm really proud of you for being there for her, sweetie. I know that you two drifted apart a little these part few years."

"That's the understatement of the century."

"She wasn't always very nice to you, was she?" She reached over and took my hand. "My girl always does tend to see the good side of people…"

I saw it all. The good. The bad. The ugly. Beauty. Imperfections. Redemption. Forgiveness. And everything in between. Every one had a place, something that belonged to them. Maybe that was mine. I was the one who saw it all.

Even as the truck coming towards us veered into our lane, I felt a sense of calm wash through me. Like someway I'd helped them see their truth. I knew in that moment it would be the last thing I ever did. And then it hit.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: There is one more chapter to this little story. Thank you for taking the journey with me and I hope that these topics are as important and heartbreaking to you as they are to me. That's why I needed to write it. I needed to say something, even if I was just writing the words for myself. Thank you again.**


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Jane,_

_The police somehow managed to find this diary in your car. I know you're probably pissed, but I read it. I'm sorry. It turned into one of the greatest miracles through the tragedy of losing you. You saw us, Jane. You…saw…all of us. And we all somehow managed to find a place in your diary. I didn't know I could be so lucky. _

_ I'm writing to you on the same pages you wrote to us, hoping that this will somehow reach you wherever you are. I hope you realize the impact you had on those around you and how much you changed our lives. You changed mine forever. I always knew I loved Edward, but I was too afraid to openly admit it to myself. You made him admit it and then I couldn't deny it. If we hadn't lost you, I would have been the happiest girl in the world. _

_A part of me likes to think that you're somewhere out there, even just a piece of you, that we can keep and hold in our hearts. Like you're still watching us and telling us all the shit that we don't see ourselves. I don't want you to worry about me and Edward. We're taking care of each other just like you'd want us to. We love and miss you._

_Bella_

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: There is a special message from me on the blog about my motivations for this story and just my general thoughts. **_

_**http : / / thediaryofjaneff . blogspot . com**_

_**Thank you again for your support. **  
><em>


End file.
